I really wanted to alliterate the title, but couldn't think of anything to say that meant "myself" but started with a "C".
So, I've recently discovered (well... more like "been told" and through that "realised they were right") that I'm not exactly very secure in myself, and that actually I'm a pretty self-depricating, apologetic person. Kind of a hard nut to swallow, because, erm, I actually thought of myself as very secure and finding out your not is kind of like having the rug pulled out underneath your feet. You suddenly realise you're on the floor, and have to very quickly notice that people aren't laughing at you or trying to beat the shit out of you, they're encouraging you to get onto your feet again and sticking their middle finger up at the people who ARE being a smart arse.
Which is weird.
I'm pretty private about my past because, well, I don't like whining about things that happened to me several years ago, but I've basically grown up with the idea that people ARE going to beat you up if you express yourself honestly. It's just been a fact. Now I'm realising that the fact isn't just completely unhelpful to me, it's also very inaccurate and I need to change it before I live my whole life in fear that someones going to punch me just because I did the perfectly natural thing of "being myself".
But I'm learning and that's important. It kind of makes me feel achey and unhappy and vunerable. And like I need to cry for a long time. But there it is, and I'll get there. And that's the most important thing of all - that I grow.