I really wanted to alliterate the title, but couldn't think of anything to say that meant "myself" but started with a "C".
So, I've recently discovered (well... more like "been told" and through that "realised they were right") that I'm not exactly very secure in myself, and that actually I'm a pretty self-depricating, apologetic person. Kind of a hard nut to swallow, because, erm, I actually thought of myself as very secure and finding out your not is kind of like having the rug pulled out underneath your feet. You suddenly realise you're on the floor, and have to very quickly notice that people aren't laughing at you or trying to beat the shit out of you, they're encouraging you to get onto your feet again and sticking their middle finger up at the people who ARE being a smart arse.
Which is weird.
I'm pretty private about my past because, well, I don't like whining about things that happened to me several years ago, but I've basically grown up with the idea that people ARE going to beat you up if you express yourself honestly. It's just been a fact. Now I'm realising that the fact isn't just completely unhelpful to me, it's also very inaccurate and I need to change it before I live my whole life in fear that someones going to punch me just because I did the perfectly natural thing of "being myself".
But I'm learning and that's important. It kind of makes me feel achey and unhappy and vunerable. And like I need to cry for a long time. But there it is, and I'll get there. And that's the most important thing of all - that I grow.
Yeah, I'm starting to see the importance of taking the time to appreciate the things you've done in the day. Otherwise you end up at a loss and thinking you wasted the day, even if you did things that might seem "small" but "mighty"
*squish* I'm glad you're getting out of your dark times!
I'm a really free-thinking, non-traditional kind of girl who was born into an extremely conservative, traditional family. It was really hard to be surrounded by people who SAY they love me and are there for me, but gossip about me behind my back because they don't like my decisions. It was even harder to decide one day that the only person I need to please is myself. Anyone who tries to get in the way of my happiness gets pushed out of my life now. If my family wants to be a part of my life, they have to accept it for what it is, not what they want it to be. As a result, I don't feel really close to a lot of people, but I'm ok with that, because the people who ARE involved in my life are amazing and really supportive.
So I guess I just want you to see that you should absolutely be who you are and become who you want to be. Don't let ANYONE get in the way of that. If someone tries to tear you down for even a moment, don't be scared to shove them out of your life. The only people that are worthy of your love are the people that help you to love yourself.
I've been spending most of today noticing more and more behaviours that I do that show how insecure I really am. It's kind of facinating for me xD
*big squish*